The Aspiring Author’s Guide to Creative Procrastination

So You Want to Write a Book? Well, here are 10 helpful procrastination tips instead.

Welcome to Chronicles of the Craft, the corner where I leave all the thoughts, musings, and emotional outbursts of my journey as a writer. Don’t mind the mess.

So, you’ve decided to write a book? Excellent! But before you actually write anything, it’s important to first engage in some truly essential and totally productive procrastination techniques. After all, what’s the point of being a writer if you’re not properly avoiding writing? Here’s a foolproof guide to ensuring that novel of yours remains a work-in-progress…. forever.

1. Perfect Your Writing Space

Your current desk? Unacceptable. Your chair? Completely inadequate. Before you can even think about writing, you need the perfect ambiance. Spend at least three days rearranging your space, testing different lighting setups, and shopping for aesthetic desk organizers. Most importantly, ensure you have a cozy candle that smells like “Ab Sweat of an Illyrian Warrior” because, obviously, atmosphere is everything.

Of course, don’t stop at just the desk. Maybe your entire room needs a makeover. Should you repaint the walls? Invest in a new bookshelf? Perhaps feng shui is the real key to unlocking your creative potential. Whatever it is, make sure you don’t actually write a word until your space is absolutely perfect.

2. Create the Ultimate Writing Playlist

You can’t possibly start writing without the perfect soundtrack. So, spend several hours crafting the ultimate playlist. Then, test it. Then tweak it. Then decide you hate it and start over. Ensure that each scene has its own carefully curated mood—because obviously, writing an emotional death scene is impossible without the perfect melancholy violin piece.

While you're at it, why not curate separate playlists for each character? Surely your protagonist has their own vibe. And what about a playlist for different seasons? Or one for writing late at night versus early in the morning? There’s no such thing as too much preparation when it comes to background music.

3. Read About Writing Instead of Actually Writing

Why write when you can learn about writing? Read craft books, listen to podcasts, and watch YouTube videos from successful authors. Study the habits of every famous writer, dissect their morning routines, and then spend the rest of the day figuring out if you should wake up at 4 AM like Hemingway or write in coffee shops like Neil Gaiman. By the time you’re done, you’ll have enough knowledge to write ten books—but will you have written a single page? Absolutely not.

Don’t forget to buy more books on writing than you can ever possibly read. Stack them in an intimidating pile near your workspace so that every time you sit down to write, you’re reminded of just how much you still don’t know. Clearly, you need more research before you start.

4. Design a Beautiful Book Cover (Even Though You Haven’t Written a Word)

A book isn’t real until it has a cover, right? Obviously, you need a stunning, bestselling-worthy design before you even outline the plot.

• Step one: download Adobe. (or perhaps get yourself an iPad and Procreate!)

• Step two: watch hours of YouTube tutorials.

• Step three: realize it’s much harder than it looks.

Pause entirely to request quotes from a local artist. Then, spiral into an ethical debate about AI-generated art and spend an evening reading think pieces on the future of creative industries. Spiral. Then spend another few days experimenting with fonts, color schemes, and Canva templates. Writing? Oh, you’ll get to that—right after you finalize the perfect typography. Canva has quite the font selection so be sure to take your time.

Naturally, you can’t settle on just one design. What if your book gets picked up by a publisher? You’ll need a redesign. Better mock up a few options just in case. Don’t forget, you’ll need to create matching social media graphics, a mood board for every character, oh, and a book trailer.

5. Start talking about your book with strangers on the internet

Nothing fuels motivation quite like announcing your book on social media! Post aesthetic pictures of your laptop and coffee cup with the caption “#amwriting.” Do this repeatedly without actually opening your manuscript. Be sure to set up a Substack and promise subscribers exclusive updates—updates that will, of course, never actually contain any writing progress.

Don’t stop at social media—take your book talk to every online forum, writing group, and comment section imaginable. Engage in long discussions about your creative process with strangers on the internet. The more you talk about your book, the more accomplished you feel—which is basically the same thing as actually writing.

6. Buy Fancy New Writing Tools

A true writer can’t possibly be expected to work without the perfect tools. Test out Scrivener, play around with Plottr, and download every writing app just in case. Buy a new notebook that perfectly aligns with your protagonist’s personality or your book’s theme. An elegant leather journal for a dark academia novel? A weathered field notebook for your rugged explorer protagonist? Oh, a Remarkable tablet? Maybe you need one. And of course, new pens—because obviously, inspiration flows better with a smooth, inky gel pen in hand. And highlighters. Lots of highlighters. Maybe even a vintage typewriter for extra credibility.

Naturally, every tool purchase must be meticulously researched. Read endless comparison articles. Watch unboxing videos. Debate between fountain pens and ballpoints. Scroll through reviews on mechanical keyboards, because surely, the right clicky keys will make you write faster. Writing is impossible without the right tools, so you must ensure you have them all before a single word hits the page.

7. Craft Elaborate Character Backstories That Will Never Make It Into the Book

Your side character, Gerald the bakery owner, needs a fully fleshed-out backstory, complete with a tragic past, lost love, and an epic hero’s journey—despite only appearing in one scene. Spend at least a week making a detailed family tree, favorite foods list, and a personality quiz to determine his Hogwarts house.

Naturally, your world-building documents should be longer than the actual book. How else will you convince yourself that every minor character is as crucial as the protagonist? By the time you finish, you’ll have an entire encyclopedia’s worth of notes—and zero written chapters.

8. Research, Research, Research (And Then Research Some More)

Need to write a single sentence about a medieval inn? Congratulations! You now have full permission to spend the next eight hours researching medieval architecture, the history of tavern names, and how ale was brewed in the 14th century. Obviously, your book will crumble into irrelevance if you don’t know the historically accurate thread count of a peasant’s tunic.

And let’s be honest—if you don’t know everything about your setting, are you even a real writer? A simple Google search won’t do. You need to dive deep, falling down an endless Wikipedia rabbit hole until you emerge hours later with zero writing accomplished but an in-depth understanding of 12th-century blacksmithing.

9. Edit the First Chapter to Death

Why write a complete first draft when you can rewrite the first chapter a hundred times? Spend days agonizing over one paragraph. Delete it. Re-add it. Change one word. Delete the whole thing again. Ensure every sentence is flawless before moving on—after all, you wouldn’t want to accidentally finish a draft.

Perfectionism is the true enemy of progress, which is why you should never allow an imperfect chapter to exist. Instead, make sure your book remains forever stuck in the first ten pages.

10. Convince Yourself You Need to Wait for the Right Mood

You can’t force creativity! Wait for that perfect, magical moment when inspiration strikes like a bolt of lightning. It could be tomorrow, or next week, or five years from now—but who’s counting? Definitely don’t build a writing habit or schedule. That’s for amateurs.

Make sure you romanticize the writing process to the point where you believe you can only write under the perfect conditions. Any disruption? Guess it’s another day off.

When in Doubt: Lather, Rinse & Repeat

If you follow these steps, your book will remain in the realm of potential forever, which is honestly the safest place for it. If you find yourself tempted to start actually typing, remember you can always repeat these steps as often as you need. After all, once you write it, people might actually read it—and then what? Keep up the good work, aspiring author. There’s always tomorrow to actually start writing.

Happy Procrastinating.

Magnolia 🌿